Dalai Lama, BMW, and Nike Shoes

Ram Sriram

This is a reprint of the article that appeared under Culture in Chandamama, U.S. and Canada Edition

If you were stripped of all of your possessions, your status on the social ladder, and your resume stating that you got a 1600 on your SAT's, would a stranger still think of you as a good human being? I am addressing this question particularly to the readers of this magazine, most of whom I assume, were either born in North America or came here from India at a young age. I also assume that, as a young person of Indian origin growing up in a Western country, you often face conflicts between the Indian values that you are required to follow at home and the Western culture that you are exposed to at school and among friends. And perhaps like my own children, you feel that your parents, who grew up in India, do not understand the conflicts that you go through sandwiched between two cultures that pull you in opposite directions. Balancing these conflicts of living, in between two cultures is not easy for anyone. But people who function successfully in either environment have a secret weapon at their disposal; harmony within themselves.

My wife and I have accepted that we did not understand the issues that our children confronted when they were growing up. Although all kids are faced with challenges, immigrant children face their own unique obstacles. How well children manage these cultural conflicts depends as much on their parents' flexibility as it does on the child's attitudes about life. But like all obstacles in life, one must learn how to manage these obstacles without letting them control who you are. To do so is to attain harmony within you.

First generation children of Indian decent have high expectations to meet. Living up to expectations set by most Indian parents requires that you study well in school, and excel in academics. To function in western society you are expected to participate in lots of extra curricular activities, go to prom, maintain your status by buying expensive clothes, and learn how to relate to American kids on their level. In addition to all this, you must also endure the scrutiny of the community to which you belong. In short, you must maintain the demeanor of a "good" Indian child while succeeding in your role as a normal American. First generation Indian children face the pressure to conform and to achieve on a daily basis and many Indian children are confused by the multiple roles that they must juggle. While this pressure can seem overwhelming at times, you must always ask yourself one thing when in any situation; in spite of my accomplishments and my popularity, am I being true to myself?

Your experience as a human depends on how you deal with these pressures while remaining true to yourself. Who you are ultimately depends on the person you are outside of how many activities you participate in or how expensive your shoes are. Wearing name brand clothes, being accepted by your friends, and gaining the praise of your parents won't necessarily make you happy. To find true happiness, you cannot rely on the image you project to family and peers. Rather you must develop a sense of who you are outside of the roles that you must conform to. By understanding what makes you happy, you will be able to balance the expectations put on you with your desires for yourself. As said by many great people throughout history, true happiness lies within you.

As Dalai Lama, the Tibetan monk and religious scholar, points out, unlike unhappy people, happy people are not self-focused. They care more about others and less about their personal needs or what others think of them. Even adverse conditions do not bother them; they are happy in every condition. In the book, "The Art of Happiness" Dalai Lama narrates two real-life events. In the first instance, a survey of individuals who won millions of dollars from the lottery were asked how happy they are now that they have so much money and can buy any thing that they want. The response from the lottery winners was that the initial happiness that came with the money soon wore out and, like the rest of us; they were back to the usual moment-to-moment happiness and unhappiness. In the second instance, a young person found out that he was HIV positive. When asked about this devastating condition, the young man replied that although he was initially shocked, he now has a better take on life. He is happier than he was in the past. Unlike in the past, when he was self-obsessed and obsessed with material things, he now recognizes that he should live his life to the fullest everyday. He no longer cared about making lots of money and owning a fancy car and a big house. -. He started reading a lot, meeting lots of people, discovering things around him that he had never paid attention to in the past. He was happy to wake up in the morning and to live every second of it to the fullest.

I am not preaching that, as young people, you should give up enjoying the material aspects of life or the status that you have achieved with your friends. But you must recognize the difference between what you have and who you are. The physical beauty that comes from your clothes or appearance is fleeting. For the moment, you may be the most popular kid in school. But soon, there will be someone else on the scene with a newer car or wearing a trendier pair of shoes and you are no longer the center of attention. But, life in not about what you buy but about the quality of human being that you are, you will be able to put your "personal disappointments" into perspective, and will live a much happier and richer life. Old people always say things to young people about how their priorities change when they get older. But becoming an adult does not guarantee inner happiness. Perhaps it is more appropriate to say that your priorities won't change unless you understand who you are as a person outside of the things you own.

Now consider the following story from Indian classical music. Thyagaraja, the famous poet and composer and a great devotee of Lord Rama, was once summoned to the kingdom of Sarabhoji Maharaja. The king offered Thyagaraja lots of jewelry and money and then asked him to compose a song in praise of him. Although Thyagaraja was very poor, he declined the money offered by the king and refused to compose a song in praise of the king. He turned to the king and said, "What makes me happy in life is not the money and the jewelry but my devotion to Lord Rama. I am not going to give up that happiness for the sake of this wealth." Thyagaraja then composed the song "Nidhi Sala Sugama" in the raga Kalyani. In the song, Thyagaraja states, "Would money and materials things give me the greatest happiness or will doing service to Lord Rama give me the greatest happiness? Practicing modesty and living peacefully is like bathing in the holy river Ganges while looking for short-lived material pleasures is like bathing in small mud-filled pond.

In short, finding happiness requires much more that making tons of money. It requires you to reflect on what truly makes you happy, whether that's music, religion, spending time with your friends or just being alive. Appreciate every moment you have been given on earth as if it was your last and you will find wealth that can never be measured: the wealth of love, happiness and the joy of just being able to experience life.