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Mantra for a
successful marriage
According to
psychologists, the most significant reason for the longevity of
successful marriages is communication between husband and wife.
Having been married for a long time, I completely disagree. But,
before disputing the experts, I decided to examine this issue in
greater depth. What better place to start than among people you know
well!
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1969, Chennai: Before my
marriage, when I was living with my parents, I always wondered how
my parents stayed together for so many years. The communication
between them was mostly in one direction. After his retirement, my
father’s primary job was reading the newspaper from morning till
evening. The ritual would begin early morning; continue until noon
when my father would get up from his favourite chair, walk to our
neighbour’s house, hand over 'The Hindu', pick up a copy of the
'Indian Express' and return home. The marathon reading ritual will
then continue until evening in both apartments.
One day, my mother comes
out of kitchen agitated and walks directly to where my father was
sitting. Without much ado, she starts “See, Shenbagam has not come
to work for the third day. In a month, she shows up for less than 10
days; but she promptly demands her full wages. I do not know why we
need a maid if I am going to clean the house, the kitchen, and wash
the clothes.”
My father responds,
“Hmm.” To my father, the expression 'Hmm' is like the Pranava
Mantram - Om. It says it all. My mother continues, “Added to this,
the milk booth has no milk for the second day. Either, the milk
lorry is broken down or there is rain in Ambattur and roads are
damaged. Some excuse every day.” My father's response,
“Hmm.”
My mother, "Today is the
last day for paying the corporation tax. Would you go and pay the
taxes without fail?” The word tax triggered a huge reaction from my
father and he decided to go beyond his customary 'Hmm' to express
his anguish. “Indira Gandhi should have never raised the taxes on
the middle class. It is very bad economic policy.”
My mother realises that
my father was not paying attention to her complaints about the maid,
the milk man, and the house taxes and was completely focused on the
news in the paper. Shaking her head and mumbling in frustration, “No
point in talking to this man; I will go pay the house tax myself.”
She walks back to the kitchen to finish her chores. My parents lived
as married couple for 56 continuous years.
*****
1985, Dallas, Texas: My
wife and I had invited two of our friends, Jim and Barbara, to
dinner. They arrived promptly at 7 p.m. After they were seated, I
asked them what they would like to drink. “Ram, I will have some
orange juice,” replies Barbara.
“I will have coffee,”
responds Jim.
“No, Jim. Don’t drink
coffee at this hour,” says Barbara. “I want coffee,” insists
Jim.
“Jim, if you drink
coffee, you get heartburn. Then you complain and suffer the whole
night and I have to call the doctor in the middle of the night. You
know what coffee does to you; please listen to me, Jim.”
“I want coffee,” Jim kept
repeating, impervious to Barbara’s chiding or concerns.
“Ram, give him what he
wants. He won’t listen. I do not know what to do with
him.” Last heard, Barbara and Jim were still happily
married to each other and were expecting the arrival of their fifth
grandchild.
***
2005, Atlanta, Georgia:
My home. My wife and I work full time and, therefore, the only day
available to do grocery shopping is Sunday. On a Sunday morning, my
wife asks me to go to Kroger and get two gallons of milk and 2
pounds of tomatoes. Immediately, I drive off to Kroger. By the time
I reach Kroger, I have already forgotten what she wanted me to buy.
Anyway, I manage and bring the groceries home.
“Oh! No, I wanted milk
and tomatoes; not laundry detergent and bread. I have enough bread
to feed an army,” my wife exclaims in panic. Embarrassed, I offer to
go back to the store and get the right items. She responds in
frustration, “No. Thanks. I will do it myself.”
One more week passes. The
grocery routine starts again. “Would you get milk and some carrots?
This time, take the cell phone with you and when you reach Kroger,
call me and I will again tell you what I need.” “Sure.” I drive off
to Kroger with the cell phone in one hand. Thirty minutes later, I
return home with the groceries - bread and laundry detergent. “Again
you bought bread and laundry detergent? Why did you not take the
cell phone and call me from Kroger?
“I did take the cell
phone but forgot and left it in the car.” I stand there with a
sheepish look on my face. My wife looks at me aghast, with the
expression, “God! What sin did I do to get married to this “bright”
man?”
Third Sunday comes. This
time, before my wife asks me, I offer to go to the grocery store to
make amends for the bungled visits of the past. “Can I get you
something from Kroger?” I ask. Startled, my wife replies, “No. No. I
have enough bread and enough laundry detergent. Thank you. Just go
back to your computer. I will take care of groceries.” My wife and I
have been “happily” married to each other for 36 years.
The experts may have
decided that communication is essential for a successful marriage.
But what really counts is a healthy dose of acceptance of the
inevitable - on the part of a wife.
Mantra for a
successful marriage
